


Sometimes Fire Flickers

by Blupcretia_babe



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Trans Character, Dermatillomania, F/F, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Happy Ending, I'll edit this for chapter 2, Multi, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Seriously the self-harm part is kind of graphic., guess who secretly never got over being stuck in an umbrella for a decade, just incase, thats mostly bc of the spiraling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 14:34:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18942937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blupcretia_babe/pseuds/Blupcretia_babe
Summary: Your name is Lup, and you just needed to have a quick rinse. Still, sometimes your brain doesn't catch the "It's okay right now"memo and launches you into breakdown hell.





	Sometimes Fire Flickers

**Author's Note:**

> Please PLEASE Keep the tags in mind. I started writing this when I wasn't in a very good place, so most of this is very graphic.  
> See the end of the work for more notes

    You take a few steps into the small space, nudging bathroom door behind you closed with your foot and setting your pajamas down on the sink counter. It had been a long day of working, running errands, and visiting friends, so you felt it would be best to wash the sweat and grime that had built up through the busy day off before dinner. You start taking off your jeans, and- Oh, shit, it’s one of those days? No, no. You can get through this, it’s just a body you’ve seen a million times before. Just… need to get the shower over with quickly. You do your best to wiggle them off without looking down, just barely managing to keep your balance. Once you’ve slipped them off, you fold them up and dunk them in the hamper before going to take off your shirt as well.

 

     You barely even lift it up halfway before having to yank the shirt back down. The realization that _yeah, it’s definitely one of those days_ come crashing down on you. Maybe you could just shower with the rest of your clothes on? That’s basically the same as washing them anyways, plus it saves time and water. It’ll be fine, you only need to do a quick rinse anyways. You take a steadying breath and close your eyes, quickly stepping into the shower and pulling the unfortunately space-themed curtain closed behind you. You open your eyes after you feel sufficiently calm, and catch a glimpse of the familiar-looking wall of cloth. And that’s it, the final straw. The shower closes in on you, and you’re hit with an onslaught of dread and fear. You could have handled the dysphoria on its own without too much strife probably, but it had managed to pave the way for other types of panic to creep in. Backing up, you catch yourself on the tiled wall and use it to keep from falling over. Standing up has you feeling like you’re about to vomit, and you know that’d be a bitch to deal with, so you opt to lead yourself down and sit in the tub.

 

    A moment of clarity arrives as you reach a comfortable position on the shower floor, the cold having gotten you out of your haze briefly. A thought slips in during your free second that leads you to consider maybe shocking your senses with some more cold will ground you? So, you reach over and turn the right knob, but _holy shit_? The water crashes down on you faster than you were expecting, and its way too fucking cold. You hold your hand back though, trying to give it some time to start working its grounding magic, but after a few seconds you _need_ to turn it off. It’s a lot more stimulation than you could ever handle right now, and the small space is still suffocating. You’re trapped behind the fabric, you’re cold and wet, and your brain feels like its swimming in fog. You’ve done your best, but this is one of those times where the anxiety won’t stop rolling in, the panic is rising up burning and dry in your throat, and it’s getting too hard to breathe. _You need to stop spiraling and get ahold of this shit_ , this shouldn’t be happening. It’s just supposed to be a quick rinse and then dinner with the loves of your life, you can’t be doing this right now! You’re shaking and littered with fresh goosebumps, feeling pretty pathetic, and you need to figure out a way to stop this _now_.

 

    Not able to think clearly at this point, you instinctively try digging your nails into your shoulders, sparking a brief feeling of relief. It… it actually _worked._ Its been the only thing to feel like a possible solution, a rope that’s finally working its way down to help you climb out of this dimly lit cave of mental fuckery, and you’re the one lowering it down. You have control over it, so it’s okay. Well, except it is absolutely _not_ okay because you know you aren’t supposed to rely to pain for grounding, and you’ve been over this too many times before. Though, you can’t help but latch onto the idea that this might be your way out and back to feeling safe and in control. Still, it hurts to try and talk yourself either _into_ this plan or _out_ of it, so all you can do for a bit is pull your legs close to your chest and cry as quietly as you can manage.

 

 _“Please, you just need to rinse, they’re waiting on you. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay. Safe safe safe, you- you’re safe, please let me calm down.”_ You don’t even register that you’re speaking until you hear your voice crack, but the words are already pouring out too heavily to hold them in. “Come on _come on_ , get ahold of yourself, Lup! Keep it together, focus, stop _freaking out_ and stop panicking and _throwing a fit_ , just stop it stop it _stop it_! I’m fine I’m fine, please _please pleasestopbeingsoloudPlease!_ ” 

 

    The pain from your throat forces you to stop spewing your panic out vocally, giving the ringing in your ears the space it needs to start flooding your head. It’s deafening; you couldn’t speak up over it now even if you wanted to. The ringing morphs into a sickening static, and its all you can hear. The silence around you gives the intruding noise too much space to use against you, and the realization comes that a quick rinse isn’t worth this pain. They’ll understand, and you can try this again later. The volume lowers gently after your lucky grasp on a coherent thought; taking this opportunity, you try to open your eyes so you know which way to leave, but the fabric wall is still in front of you, _threatening you_ into staying and you know you can’t pull it out of the way. You never could, no matter how much you clawed at it and begged it to let you leave, you were still trapped in an awful cage that you had crafted too perfectly.

 

    You want to slam your eyes back shut to block out the taunting star-littered cloth in front of you, but they insist on darting around to try and find any chance to escape. They lead you to the right side of the curtain, where it just barely breaks away from the wall. You force yourself to scoot over enough to see straight through, your head now resting against the tiled wall. Your vision locks onto the handle poking out of the top drawer. 

 

    Maybe there’s something sharp in there? You’ve given up on bringing yourself out of this through safer means, and you know that you could think straight when your shoulders stung earlier… _Shit._ No, _no_. You have to keep this under control. Get those thoughts out of your head, force them out any way you can. Don’t make Barry and Lucretia worry about you like that, _even though you’re late and they’re going to find you and realize how pathetic you are._ You’re clawing at your ears to try and stop those awful thoughts from crawling into your head, you have to stay in control. You need to… _Fuck_ , no, that’s _bad_ again, _stop scratching!_ You dig your teeth into your left hand for letting it hurting your ear, the right one holding it down. You _need_ to escape. __

    You need Taako. He could always pull out of this, he can help. He’s been here to help every time, always here. He isn’t here. Where is he? _Is he okay?_ Why isn’t he here. You can’t hear him, and you haven’t seen him in a few days. You can’t see him anywhere! What if he’s hurt? _He’s probably hurt._ You’re an awful twin, you can’t even keep him safe! What if he died? He’s probably dead. You weren’t there, he died and you weren’t even there! Or he hates you? Yeah, that’s why he’s gone, you’re dead to him! Fuck, yeah, that’s it. Then it’s okay if you’re hurt since that’s what you deserve for making him hate you, for abandoning him. You should have stayed trapped in that fucking umbrella, _it’s where you belong._

 

    No, no, _no-_ you’re spiraling, you know this. Stop letting yourself do this shit, he’s fine! He’s with Kravitz, safe and happy. You just need to check on him as soon as you can, once you’re fine. He probably doesn’t hate you. Why would he hate you? He loves you, even if you’re only loud and obnoxious and careless most of the time, and you worried him to death before he couldn’t even remember you. Maybe he wishes he could keep forgetting you? _No_ , fuck, shut up. _Shut up!_ Focus on getting out, you need to… why do your arms hurt? Actually, there’s a lot that hurts now. You lift your head up and open your eyes to examine yourself, quickly realizing that you’ve been scratching and tearing yourself up through that whole spiral. 

 

    Another round of tears well up in your already raw eyes. _Great!_ Good job Lup, you’re _so_ good at staying in control. Now there’s blood to clean up in the tub, plus it’s on you, and all you’ve managed to do since getting in the shower is get even dirtier. Seeing the blood making its way out of you just makes you feel worse, you can’t focus on it. There’s no point in avoiding more damage now; you jam your eyes shut and you claw into your sides, trying to get a grip and ground yourself. There’s still a small part of your brain nagging that you’ve done more than enough damage, but you already messed up and hurt yourself past anything acceptable, why not just finally reach for the only rope to drag you out? Your non-bitten hand reaches up to start hesitantly digging its nails into your throat. Maybe that’ll be enough?

 

    But it isn’t working. It isn’t enough anywhere near enough, and drawing more blood isn’t going to do anything. _Why are you such an idiot!_ _If you’re going to have such stupid ideas, maybe you shouldn’t have a fucking brain._ You start thunking the side of your head against the wall, trying to knock your brain back into reality or _something_ to make your thoughts go away. That’s not a good reason but you couldn’t care less, you just want it to stop! Harder, harder, you just need to hit harder! Actually put some fucking effort into it! Knock yourself out of this _just knock yourself out._ Come on come on _come on Come O-_

 

    “ _AUGH! Fuck!_ ” Your arms clasp around your head instantly, too late to shield out the pain. 

_Too hard._ And way too loud, did you scream? Shit- _no_ , they probably heard you. Of course they heard you! You’re in the same house and these walls are too fucking thin. They _can’t_ see you like this, you need to hide yourself. Just keep holding your head, they won’t see you. Pretend you’re dead and you maybe won’t have to deal with this? Fuck fuck _fuck._ It _hurts_. You bite your cheek to try and redirect the pain but it isn’t working and everything is _so much_ and it’s too loud and it won’t stop and- you hear the door open. 

 

    “Lup, dear, are you okay?” It’s Lucretia. She sounds so soft… You can’t answer her, not like this. You don’t think you could even manage any words if you tried, your mouth is so dry, and it hurts to even think about talking. It honestly hurts to think of _anything_ right now. Maybe if you wait it out, she’ll leave you alone? You don’t want her to leave, but you don’t want to be selfish and make her comfort you, either. Your thoughts are interrupted by some incoherent whispers. Barry must have come along with Lucretia. Of course they’d both come to that awful screech you let out, it’s just your luck that you get to disappoint both loves of your life tonight! You hear footsteps approaching the tub, causing you to sink further back in a last ditch attempt to escape the inevitable.

 

    “I’m going to pull the shower curtain out of the way, alright?” Barry does his best to soften his voice, but you’re too filled with dread to be comforted by it. You don’t put up any protest, all you’ve wanted was for the fabric to disappear for a while now. You can hear it being pulled back, making the space you’re in feel less cramped, but you still can’t get yourself to look up. You can hear Lucretia breathe in a quiet gasp, before she whispers something to Barry. After a short pause, you hear the sound of solid footsteps exiting the room. The feeling of eyes setting back on you returns once the steps have faded out; you don’t dare to even think about looking up to meet them. You try to imagine how disappointed she’s going to look, the thought only ensuring that you keep from peeking up.

 

    There’s a small creaking noise as she lowers herself onto the edge of the tub, causing you to shrink back further in on yourself, if you could do so. You know you should apologize for worrying her, she was probably busy studying or setting up for dinner and you had to go and ruin it by being loud and needy. _You ruined everything._ She isn’t even talking yet because she’s mad at you, just sitting and staring at you, probably finally realizing how pathetic you must be. She should have left you alone by now, you’ve caused enough damage tonight by stressing everyone out over unimportant body issues and panicking over something that’s been over for _years_. You decide you need to stop wallowing in self-pity and at least apologize to her.

 

    “Mm.. so- sorry…” You couldn’t even push that out without your voice breaking, she deserves better.

 

    “Oh, Lup…” The gentle tone catches you off guard, “Dear, you don’t need to apologize. Is it alright if I move closer?” She doesn’t sound like she’s angry at all, there’s mostly just worry in her voice, but you can’t be sure. You feel like you’d be safer if she was closer though, so you answer by scooching your way closer to her, keeping your eyes on the floor of the shower, 

 

    “Would you be alright if I held your hand?” You reluctantly lift your left hand for her, wincing back a bit when she puts her own hand around it. You don’t pull your hand back though, and the pain subsides as you let yourself relax. Her presence beside you, plus the comfort of holding onto her, gives you a chance to feel safer. You lean forward to rest your forehead against her hip, feeling her other hand start to cautiously run through your hair. You feel yourself melt into the sensation almost immediately, letting a wave of comfort wash over as a quiet chirp of appreciation escapes you.

 

    The sound of the bathroom door creaking open breaks you out of your moment of comfort, your eyes snapping up to the sound. Noticing he’s startled you, Barry sets down the first aid kit on the counter and tries to close the door a gently as he can. Managing nearly no noise until the closing click, you watch him pick the container back up and make his way over. He sits down on the side of the tub, opposite of Lucretia, leaning over to place the kit on the floor. You look up to him, and he gives you a soft smile. You feel a lot safer with them both beside you now. Still shaken up though, and in quite a bit of pain, but much happier.

 

    “Do… would you like a towel?” He’s moved his gaze to look down at the floor, sounding hesitant. You appreciate that he’s keeping his voice low, unsure if you could handle anything loud quite yet. You reply with a hum and a small nod, you’re tired of being soaked, and you’re pretty chilly as well. Barry pushes himself up and your eyes follow him to the cabinet; you should probably make yourself get out of the shower, so you don’t risk dropping the towel onto the wet floor. Letting go of Lucretia’s hand, you grasp the edge of the tub portion and use it to help you stand up. You step over onto the dry floor and sit yourself back down beside your wife. 

 

    After spending a few thoughtful moments feeling the different towels, Barry pulls one of the softer towels, a black one, out for you. The color choice is probably for the best since you didn’t really have a chance to wipe the blood off, and those kinds of stains would ruin any of the others. He makes his way back over and leans over, wrapping the towel around you. You catch a glimpse of worry in his expression and remember exactly how bad this situation must be. There’s not much you can think of to say yet, so you opt for leaning in to hug him. Without hesitation, he places his arms around you as well, though the angle is a bit uncomfortable. You let him go and reach for his hand, leading him to sit back down beside you. 

 

    He takes the hint and settles back down next to you, letting you lean against him. You reach for Lucretia, your hand landing on her shoulder, and pull her close as well. She rests against you without a word, one hand already reaching up to pet your hair while the other makes its way into your left hand. You sit there with them for a bit, doing your best to be comforted and finally finish calming down. Still, after a couple of minutes, you have a lingering feeling of anxiety and dread that refuses to let go, but you decide that its been long enough and you should try to explain what happened. 

 

    You start to sit up, giving them a moment to readjust, and clear your throat before speaking up, “I’m… sorry I did this. The, uh, the hurting myself thing? It’s just. Um. Dysphoria is, well, a major asshole? And normally I’d be able to handle just that. You both know I usually can, but… I think its just _really_ shitty coincidence that I started to panic? I don’t… I don’t know why I couldn’t handle it, I should have been able to. I-. I _tried_ to stop, and I just kept _spiraling_ and I couldn’t make my brain shut up and it was _so much_ but it shouldn’t have been because I _know_ I can handle it! I’m _supposed_ to be able to handle it.” You’re forced to stop as you run out of breath, an onslaught of sobs taking this pause as a chance to escape you.

 

    Barry is the first to speak up, his voice barely above a whisper, “It’s… we understand, you- it’s not your fault, alright? You don’t have to say sorry, Lu.” He places a hand on your back and rubs gently, adding reassurance to his words. “Could we check how much you’re hurt? I-uh, I saw blood, I think? Plus, the bang we heard earlier was… pretty loud. It sounded, uh, really painful. Also, we- we need to disinfect anything that’s open. Okay?”

 

    You nod to him and take the towel off, balling it up and holding it in your lap. Barry’s right, you should try to clean where you broke skin pretty soon. However, the first thing that’s still on your mind is the throbbing where you had hit your head, so you tilt it down and gesture to the pain-inflicted area. They take the hint and Lucretia starts examining the wound; you flinch at the touch, doing your best to hold still so it’ll be over sooner.

 

    Lucretia draws her hands back after some poking around, “Good news, it doesn’t seem like you broke skin or caused anything more than some bruising. You _are_ going to have a nasty bump for a while though, poor dear…” Normally you don’t exactly enjoy being babied like this, but you can’t really blame her after what just happened. Plus, you’re honestly just glad to have them both be here right now. 

 

    Barry takes your chin in his hands, directing you to face him. You lean into the touch as he looks you over, and he runs a thumb over your cheek. It stings a bit when it reaches where you had scratched at, but the pain is dull enough that you know you hadn’t broken through enough to bleed. He takes his hand away to focus on what’s left, wincing a bit at what you did to your left hand. He leans down to pick up the first aid kit, taking out a small tube of Fantasy Neosporin. He twists the lid off and squeezes some out onto the wound, the cold helping to soothe it, before wrapping the hand up in bandages.

 

    He dresses the other serious looking areas as well, mostly the scratches on your ears and a bandaid where your neck had been nicked at. Before addressing your arms with the first aid supplies, he has you run them under the faucet of the tub to rinse them off. After dressing the worse-off areas, Barry asks you if there’s anywhere else they need to know about. You hesitate for a moment before lifting your shirt up enough to show where your nails had been dug in, yanking it back down once he said those would heal alright.

 

    “Everything that’s been dressed has looked… really torn up? So, you didn’t use any sharps, right?” He’s packing everything unused back into the kit, hopefully it wont be busted out again any time soon.

 

    You nod, “Yeah, I uh… I tried really hard to keep out of the drawer, it didn’t- it didn’t matter much in the end, though.” Lucretia has her hand on your back, it feels like she’s keeping you steady.

 

    “That’s really good, Lu. We’re proud of you for trying your hardest to stay safe.” Lucretia holds her hand still while telling you that, her words still sounding calm and genuine. You lean into the touch, and she takes that as a hint to hold you closer. 

 

    Once he’s sat back up, Barry leans over to hug you as well, “She’s right, we’re very happy you’re okay, we know you did your best.” You’re not sure how you got to be with two such amazing partners, but you’re extremely thankful that they’re here for you.

 

    Minutes pass, sitting together like that. Barry is the first one to break the hug, letting go and pushing himself to stand upright. He offers a hand to help you up, suggesting that it might be best for you all to get some rest. You take his hand and he helps you up, followed by you both helping Lucretia to her feet.

 

    Once you’ve made your way to the shared bedroom, you set yourself down on the bed and prepare to get in a long rest. Before you can settle in though, Barry nudges your shoulder, making you look up to see him holding your pajamas. You groan, the thought of getting undressed right now is making you _really_ uncomfortable, but you know you’d feel better wearing them to bed.

 

    You sit up and accept the clothing from him, pulling the pants on first since there’s nothing in the way. The shirt… is a different problem. Lucretia offers to help you get through this faster, but you’d rather not be looked at shirtless right now. She leaves you be and turns her attention to Barry, giving you the time to push through this. You yank the damp tank-top off and slip your pajamas top as quickly as you can manage, discarding it somewhere on the floor. You flop back onto the bed, opting to sleep on the outside tonight to avoid any more potential panicking. Your partners situate themselves into the bed as well, Lucretia taking the spot closest to you tonight.

 

    About an hour after the three of you had made it to bed, you still weren’t able to fall asleep. You had nearly calmed down earlier, and you were still doing pretty well, but your brain was still nagging you about needing to see Taako. You try and slip out of bed without disturbing the two of them, but trying to pull away from Lucretia unsurprisingly wakes her up.

 

    “Hey dear, ’s not morning yet, is it?” Some of her words merge together, but not enough to be incoherent.

 

    You shake your head, “It’s only been about… an hour? But I, uh, I need to go see Taako.” It sounds a little childish when you say it out loud, but it’s important to you.

 

    “Mhm… you want us to come, too?” She starts to rub sleep from her eyes, and you almost consider taking her up on the offer.

 

    “No, I appreciate it though. You two need to rest way more than me. I’ll be back later tomorrow, okay?” You figure it’ll be nice to have a surprise sleepover.

 

    Lucretia nods, turning over to rest against Barry. It doesn’t take her long to fall back asleep, so you do your best to grab your slippers and exit the room without making much noise. Once you’re out of the bedroom, you slide the fuzzy shoes on and make your way to the front door. Before you leave, you check the time on the clock above the door, deciding that 10:30p.m. isn’t too awful late for a surprise visit. You crack the door open, ready for a peaceful night walk to your brother’s house.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this, I'll have the second chapter out as soon as possible!
> 
> This took me So much longer than any other story I've ever written, and I still feel like its littered with mistakes, but its important to me to get this out online.
> 
> If you have any feedback or questions, please let me know! I'm always trying to improve my writing.


End file.
